Starblanket eBook available now!

Starblanket: A Mother’s Gift to Her Son available at Amazon and Kobo!

What happens when a Mother’s biggest worry is that her son will bear the burden and blame of a society who do not know how to Respect, or Honour Indigenous women?

“Starblanket -A Mother’s Gift to Her Son” – is a collection of stories about Spiritual Awakening, Motherhood and Healing.
When family bonds are grown from traumatic events a child-of-trauma is born. Starblanket follows the journey of an Indigenous woman facing herself as a child-of-trauma and seeking identity, self-respect, and self-love. A single-mother, she struggles to raise her son alone in one of the biggest cities in the world. Her small family faces ever-encroaching societal pressures of Capitalism, Materialism, and Conformity which contradict the Indigenous values she tries to instill.

“Starblanket” honours the Indigenous child and the family as ancient teachings of love and understanding are slowly reclaimed. As the Morningstar guides us from darkness into light, Starblanket guides readers to self awareness, one story at a time.
Amazon!
http://www.amazon.ca/Starblanket-Mothers-Gift-Her-Son-ebook/dp/B00RC2XHDQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1419859797&sr=1-1&keywords=starblanket

Print copies available at the Cedar Basket Gift Shop

Next stop, Hope street

Today, I had an important realization. I have been emotional all month long, though it seems today I hit a turning point. I am owning up to my mistakes, and boy do I make some really great and spectacular mistakes. I am definitely far from perfect. The last little while I’ve endured harsh consequences for my actions. I’ve encountered cruelty. An experience I have never had before, and what’s more…I found myself in a battle zone. 

Today, I sat with myself. Towers of belief, and thoughts crumbled to pieces around me. The tapes in my head can be severe. Things I tell myself, like…”you’re unloveable, that’s why you’re alone”, or “you’re not meant for relationship”.  While I endured the terrible noise from my own inner demons…I also realized the profound struggle going on inside. 

This week, after yet another terrible relationship experience, I very nearly lost faith in our men. In our spirituality, in our drummers, in our way of being in this world with one another. Human beings can be so cruel to one another…even if it is unintentional. Enduring these projections, or thoughts…I found myself in a place I recognized. Survival. Fighting for my very spirit. 

I know who I am. Inside I am kind…a little naive….

I have always tried to be very kind, very gentle. In most cases I can pull it off…except with those close to me, and myself. I’ve been unkind, and my dark side rears its head often. I’ve forced myself through a lot of the most difficult times in my life…much like I imagine a slave driver whipping his wards…or a cruel master to a work horse…

Today, I felt the struggle to keep that naiveity…there is some innocence deep inside…some unyielding, unrelenting belief that people are good in this world…even though they seem to treat me with their worst possible sides…and I wonder why that is so…why do I seem to bring out that side…the one that would mistreat another. Again, and again, I find hurt and pain where once was love…this time, I witnessed the birthplace of cruelty. Never before had I seen anything like this…and I fought to keep from hating. I fought to stay in a place where I am warm and loving instead of cold, and hardened. It would be so easy to hide from my pain by building walls, and hiding my heart deep in a cruel exterior…

I thought about it….and saw the person I know I am…would be gone forever…she would be eaten up by cruelty, pain, and hatred. Desperate to keep out anyone that would hurt her…

Today, I was fighting for my spirit. Deep in a well of tears shed openly on a random bus…Huge tears slid down my face…I couldn’t stop then even if I wanted to…

“Next stop, Hope street”…those words rang in my ears…I’ve felt so tired these last few months. Always having to find the place I need to be strong. Always turning to Creator to get through, each relationship gets harder and harder. I’m close to giving up. Very close this time. 

I look like I’m very strong…I make it look good…but really, I’m just a soft gooey centre and very easily hurt. Though I would never openly admit it if you came to me in person. It is getting harder to believe there is someone out there who can be part of my little family…I’ve tried to maintain hope…but this last go round was so very difficult…

I have to take care of myself. I am aware of my dark side. I need to change many things. Perhaps these lessons were necessary so that I would be forced to look at them…as painful as it is.

I have to maintain the hope and faith in myself. To see these parts, the darkness, the mistakes and learn to love her. 

If I can endure cruelty, and learn to love…I will be the person I know I can be. The person I know I am at my core. That’s my Hope street. To continually see the good in people, in myself…I can’t let that part of me die. Sometimes I wish the suffering would just stop. I wonder why I can’t just be happy. And I think about all of the work I have done to reclaim my culture, to find me…I have to learn to be happy with me. With my life as it is…at every moment. For some reason, I’ve never truly been content with myself, or my life, always comparing myself to some strange ideal notion of who I should be. It would be something to just see things for what they are and accept them…fully and completely enjoying my experiences…

I am continually astounded at just how much more work there is when I turn the corners of my life…just when I think I can rest…

Hope. 

and 

Faith. 

Continually doing the work to find balance. Boy somedays do I ever miss the bliss of ignorance…this work on my conscious self is tiring work…

At any rate, I dig deeper into the well of spirit, and with faith, hope, and love…I continue the way forward…ever mindful of my thoughts, and my good mind. 

Chi miigwetch to Creation for always being there to love me when I’m feeling my most unloveable. Chi miigwetch to the Grandmothers for their kindness, and wisdom…Chi miigwetch to my big heart for continuing to do as Creator intended….and leading the way…Aho

Resting

Toil.

Deepest soil.

Against the grain.

Tendrils diving, steadfast train.

To a tender, faint, sound.

Deepest well, abundance, ever spirit found.

Seven sounds, the old ones standing watch.

Tear soaked vibrations, sing her songs.

Grumbling, tumbles, rumbles, she longs.

Ready to give birth.

Our sacred earth.

Has begun.

One.

Yaaaa!! Productions and youthpreneurships

This post’s topic is more to do with our talents, than ways of healing or traumas although, I think the two are linked.

One of the things I’m learning about myself are the many ways I get in the way of myself simply because I am resisting colonial ideals and structures. Currency, monetary concepts of banking, applying for grants, and capital are some of the concepts that I have difficulty accepting…although, the notion of wealth and abundance are concepts that I meditate on a great deal. For me, reconciling the two mean that I have to shift my thinking and lifestyle to incorporate concepts like generocity, community building, establishing relationships for trade and bartering as well as openness. 

Our contemporary society is so focused on the acquisition of things that in order to function properly, most of us need to make money and promote our skills and abilities to find work. I am increasingly aware that I never learned much about the real world from my sheltered life at home with my parents. I never really wanted for much. 

My son on the other hand, wants it all: technology, wealth, riches, the elitest life dreams he has may have been wrought from the humble life we have lived. I try not to pay attention to trends, and resist technological advancements as much as possible, preferring to buy tech only when I have no other choice. I don’t have any loans or credit card debt, and don’t plan on getting a mortgage anytime soon. 

With all of these self limitations, and understandings, I do recognize the need to share some of these teachings with my son. We haven’t had very many close relationships in the city, and instead of connecting regularly via tech we, like many contemporary families seem to grow apart from one another, and the community around us. 

To remedy this situation, I am a partner in a new venture that I’m helping my son to build. He enjoys making things with his creativity, he enjoys making people laugh, and he enjoys tech. So lately we have decided to capitalize on his talents to start his own small enterprise…making and selling duct tape wallets, keychains, and our Ojibwe Manga (which are little more than scribble zines). In this way, we can appreciate one anothers skill sets, spend time together and encourage a little entrepreneurship, and life skills. Win, win, win. I say.

This new venture seems to be bringing an inspired energy into our lives, an excitement, and renewed sense of teamwork. With some basic coaching and advising from his partner/investor aka Mom, he learns how to manage his newest venture. 

The relationship building, trade, bartering will come eventually…with my own work…and through support and networking for my boy’s work. His creativity, voice and energy are so enjoyable to watch…sometimes a little overwhelming for his introverted mom…but a delight at any rate.

Yaaaa!! Productions is still in its infancy, but he is a money savvy kid. I’m sure he will surpass my business/entrepreneurship skills in no time…meanwhile, I help him dream, and lead the way to making those dreams reality 😊 

Outgrowing the spoiled brat

I’ve written about this experience in many different ways. I’ve mentioned it in my thesis – Emptying the Cup discussed aspects of it in many of my blog posts, and began acknowledging it when I was younger. 

My Eldest sister was the first to comment on it, I think I was around seventeen, we were driving in her pick-up truck. I forget what we were talking about, likely family stuff, when she stopped and said “you’re not really the spoiled brat I thought you were”. I’m not sure how I responded, but I’m pretty sure that conversation was the turning point in our sibling relationship. We started talking like sisters after that, and instead of being talked down to, or worse – talked at, complained about…we began to talk.

Even though there are some bright points like that, I’m starting to realize the spoiled brat still resides somewhere inside. At least aspects of her. I’ve found so many different aspects lately. I guess I’m finally in a space where I’m relenting. Not without great difficulty either…the last irrelationship I had was brief, but I saw her…stared her right in the face much of that time. She’s impatient, moody, controlling, fearful, worried, and prone to angry outburst. and sometimes likes to blame her problems on other people. She’s a bit of a two year old. 

I can see why it smarts when my siblings share the stories about our childhood and I hear about the nasty stuff I used to do…I get to live the karma from those times. Yaay me! Like when I was home recently and got to hear how I bashed my brother over the head with a controller because I wanted at turn on the game, and he had to get stitches. I feel bad about that and wonder if its normal sibling stuff or if I really was a mean kid. Looking back on those days, I can say that I don’t remember much, maybe its cause I can’t handle the stupid and mean things I used to do. It may be just stuff kids do, but for us, the consequences were dire. 

At any rate, I do my best to apologize to my siblings for the mean and childish things I did that hurt them. 

Owning all of these “dark” side bits means eating humble pie. But it also means that I’m aware of them. Continuing to live without consciously attempting to change is nothing short of abusive and arrogant. So, I eat humble pie. I acknowledge yet again that I’m not perfect. And I learn how to manage my behaviour. 

I learn how to stay in my body, in the moment even when I’m feeling scared, or angry, or jealous.  I learn how to breathe through those moments. I learn how to ask for what I need, time alone, a walk, or just a hug. 

I learn how to be compassionate with myself. I’m not always going to give in to these rampant emotions, I don’t always have to attach meaningn to them.  

I acknowledge the spoiled brat inside and learn how to give her limitations, boundaries, share new rules of conduct with her and immense patience…she can’t always have what she wants. She’s going to have to learn to share, she’s going to have to stop sulking when she doesn’t get what she wants, and needs to stop threatening her friends and loved ones. She still feels quite inadequate. She has low self esteem, and quite honestly doesn’t fully realize her potential. Even when she’s staring it in the face. Even when IT is staring HER in the face. 

The last little while has been spent  acknowledging that I take myself far too serious. I don’t spend enough time laughing at myself or playing. I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last little while and it’s all been really good work. I’m grateful to be able to see these traits, acknowledge them, and begin the heavy work of healing. 

One day, that spoiled brat will be grown and all of those memories, teaching tools to help others through…miigwetch wendum. So much gratitude…

Thursday thoughts 0003: Still

Once again we sit locked in silence,

we resist the temptation to reach out…why?

Because its ok to be alone. 

It’s ok to be here, in our body…

In our own company…body, mind, spirit

My emotions tell me I feel lonely,

I think about my friends there at the other end

of the taps and clicks.

Today is my time to be still…

Today is my time to sit in my body and feel this feeling…

Today is the day I allow myself to be still with this…

I watch it rise, and breathe through the thoughts…

Still I stand in the face of the demons…

Still I stand in the face of forgiveness…

It doesn’t mean anything. I allow it to rise…

like a swift summer shower, my day darkens briefly…

showers heavily for a moment…

and like a miracle, the first rays of sun shine through…

Still…in…the…moment…

I embrace my own loving spirit, 

we made it through…

Just allow things to rise…

just be still…

Projections

I knew this couple once, awhile back. I was friends with the one partner and we hung out every now and then. When they got together, I continued to hang out with my friend though didn’t know the partner very well and never had the chance to chat. I saw them around here and there as I went along doing what I do. One day, I saw my friend’s partner coming up the sidewalk near my community centre. I usually nod and off I go…well this day, as my friend’s partner approached me, I got the craziest sneer the nose went up in the air as I walked by. I’m sure my eyebrows went up, a little wondering what THAT was all about and I continued on my way. A few days later, my friend asks if I’m angry with her partner. (Ah, I thought to myself, THAT’S what that was…) Bemused, I related the story to her about seeing her partner and assured my friend that I’m not upset…I’m not anything. I don’t know her partner, never really talk to her partner…why would I be upset?

The above example is usually what happens when you are on the receiving end of someone’s projections. Their inner dialogue does not match the outside interactions, and people’s assumptions, guesswork, and plain miscommunication plays out in drama.

I’m not a fan of drama.

That being said, I know I have ALOT of work to do with ending my habit of projecting my inner negativity on other people. I’ve been noticing my projections for some time now. I’ve done some work to get clear about my inner voices, and tapes, even going so far as to incorporate affirmations to change said tapes…I still have a long way to go. I noticed that recently. Which is an important thing to realize. Living with love addiction, rumination is a long-term habit that is quite difficult to quit cold-turkey. It takes a lot of energy to stay conscious enough to know you’ve checked out. I watch movies…sometimes endlessly it seems. Other times I’ll listen to music, or escape into memories. Anything that distracts me from being in my body, in the moment. I have a hard time doing that. Mostly because it’s so boring, other times because it’s lonely. I think I ruminate because there’s more than just me in the loops.

Fear, insecurity, and doubt really play a part in creating projections (ohhh…so and so must be mad at me…they’re not texting me) or (so and so is such a snob…look at the way she totally ignored me at the gathering). I still have to balance fears, doubts, and insecurities in a way that acknowledges the learning I need from my experiences but also does not allow the fears to take hold and cause havok.

Today was such a day. I was deciding to feel lonely. I was deciding to feel a little depressed. I noticed these feelings during my morning pages, and took decisive action. I took a few deep breaths, and made myself acknowledge the room I was in. “I am in my kitchen, at this moment.”, I put a call out on social media for get together with friends, I looked up my page of affirmations and read them out loud to myself, then I got out the best motivational video I could, and made myself repeat every single positive phrase. Then I took great care with my appearance, taking a little extra time on my hair…just to feel extra special. “Happiness is a choice, I choose to be happy today” says my favorite motivational speaker from her place just beyond my computer screen…

I’ve noticed that I am not as disciplined with my practice. Meditation, affirmations, and gratitude comes in waves. I am very lax with myself. I keep thinking if I am strict with myself then I will rebel completely. Except, I think I need to reveal to myself that I am earning my OWN trust by ensuring boundaries and consequences for behaviour. I need to know my limits. Years ago, when I was getting acquainted with my addiction, I’d learned about the three headed dragon. What a powerful awakening that was. Take this excerpt for example:

The first head of the dragon is physical. Addiction is a chronic illness requiring a lifetime of attention. The second head is psychological. Addiction is a disorder with mental, emotional, and behavioral components. And the third head of the dragon is spiritual. Addiction is an existential state, experienced in isolation from others. – Dirk Hanson, The Three Headed Dragon

Projections are just one piece of this illness. Of this disorder. Projections are just one piece of the relationship with the spirit of your addiction. I’ve been lax. I see that now. I haven’t felt strong enough to maintain the practice. Mostly, I start and stop. When things seem good, I stop…whatever I was doing. Writing, creating, reading…I stop the practice of being IN my life. And I start ruminating again, or checking out. When I leave the moment and hide in my head.

I think I’m ready to maintain this time. I know I’ll stumble. Maybe I’ll fall, or maybe I’ll catch myself. The point is…I’ll just keep picking myself back up. I’ll catch those projections and I’ll ask questions instead of making assumptions. Eventually, I will be able to stay in the moment for longer periods of time. Perhaps the projections will slow, maybe they will stop one day. I’ll manage the fears, doubts, and insecurities. Perhaps one day. For now, I acknowledge that I still do make and project fears, doubts, and insecurities on others around me (sorry…so sorry) it’s ok. It’s human. I’m human. I’ll make mistakes. I’m learning from them. I’ll continue to breathe.

I’ll write.

I know I’m a good person. I strive for a good, positive, and healthy life. I create a positive dream and put my intentions toward balance. I choose to be happy…whatever that looks like. Right now, in this moment…it’s writing about my projections. It’s visioning myself in a place where projections no longer control my life. I choose to be happy about this, because I feel no shame in sharing. I feel no bitterness, or confusion. I choose to be happy because my spirit deserves it. I have too much good work to do to continue to get lost in my ruminations. I have too much good work in the world to continue with my projections. I choose to be in the moment, right here, right now. Because each moment is such a gift. This moment, as I write these words will NEVER happen, ever again. It’s dark. Rob Zombie plays in the background, my refrigerator hums noisily. My son sleeps. I sit cross-legged in my chair, typing these words. What a gift this moment is. How precious. I am time traveling now…you read these words, and I am frozen in this moment. You read in the moment I write…you travel through a tiny wormhole for just a moment.  How amazing.

And thus the moment ends…

 

Just…breathe…

Curiouser, and curiouser

So lately my days have started in the wee hours of the morning. I lay in my tiny bed, listening out my tiny window, to teeny tiny birds singing their hearts out. I got some writing done, woke my son and got ready to head out to his lacrosse clinic first thing. These days it’s mostly about keeping it real. Every day is about keeping it real. Lately, it’s also about keeping my experience, my consciousness present. What a challenge! I find myself ruminating sometimes, thoughts randomly slide into a familiar pattern. I tune out for a minute…SNAP! I catch myself. Give myself a shake, say some affirmation or other, and force myself to be aware of my surroundings.

There are so many distractions these days. Cell phones, books, television, movies, internet, youtube, and the like…all compete for a chance to distract us from ourselves, from each other. Sometimes we like to get distracted by other people…I read this interesting article on “irrelationships” this week, which seemed to resonate a teeny bit.

An interesting bedtime conversation with my pre-teen today, who took it upon himself to call me “basic” as we were discussing our teeny tiny family and reflecting on the brief chance to include someone else…**eyes rolled for effect** what a mess THAT turned out to be. I chuckled for a moment in the middle of discussing our options, (‘getting back together with Dad’, is my son’s favorite) when I realized this year…my son turns thirteen. I playfully elbowed him and told him that this year, marks my longest relationship ever. He and I will officially be on this earth together for thirteen years. I’ve never been able to manage a longer relationship (yay me)…with the shortest being…around 45 days…dating for me has literally been non-existent. I think I designed it that way…at least for the most part. I never really enjoyed the misery of “putting myself out there”, and was far too busy with my books to learn about hair, make-up, and clothes that attract guys. lol ugh. Even thinking about this makes my stomach turn. lol.

I met a friend for coffee one day, and while swapping dating stories, I told her about this article on Indigenous dating and how problematic it could be. ANYWAY…

Suffice it to say, my conversation with my son was a beautiful reminder of how lovely our mother-son relationship is…we can chat about our life together and see if we want to invite anyone else in. I get to sort out what it means to “protect my child” from my dating mishaps and misbegotten relationships. I also get to learn how to just relax and have fun. I did learn a new word tonight. Propinquity. You’re going to have to watch the video here to learn what it means. Who says gamers don’t know anything about dating. And, my son…the helpful little scamp he is…showed me this youtube video to help his “basic” mom with my dating skills. My life just seems to keep getting so interesting with each passing year. Guess I’ll have to check out some of those dating sims, lol.

In the meantime (I think that’s actually the title of a relationship book I read once.) funny, and fitting to this topic. I continue to enjoy the company of my own spirit, and explore my relationship with Creator, my higher self, and my guides. Perhaps continuing to form positive intentions, and self-loving vibes is the way to go.

Thursday thoughts 0002: Child inside

Calm little one,
quiet your tears…
I’ll stay and play,
quell your fears…

Too long you’ve been
alone and afraid…
In the dark,
no one stayed…

Hands bound,
laughter muzzled…
barely a soul to
share a nuzzle…

I’m here now,
nothing to fear…
free to play,
be joyous here…

Receive

Tonight, the evening welcomes me. It’s quiet in our home. The routine continues. Day to day living. It is comforting, known…safe. I feel comfortable knowing who, and what I can rely on. I know that I’m here for my son. I know that the people in my life love and care about me. That I love and care about them.

The lessons of the past few month have taught me many valuable things. I know who my true friends are. These friends care enough to be truthful even when they know its going to hurt. I have had a few conversations with one of my besties…(yes I’m writing about YOU, since you wanted to read a blog about you lol) 

I was happy to receive the words, they rang with such truth. I have a hard time saying those words…sometimes, so I appreciate someone who can ask the hard questions. The sharing came with warnings so that was great, and I was prepared to receive truth in the words. I love my friends. They are so beautiful 😊 My besties know who they are!

Learning how to sit through the words that seem harsh and hear them from people that truly care…I think this is why we can listen AND hear them. I’ve had many conversations like that lately. I’m so grateful to receive the messages from spirit.

I have also received so many amazing teachings about the healing that needs to happen, I’ve received so much more strength and I can feel abundance flowing again.

I’m used to the solitude. I enjoy solitude. I know sometimes the loneliness creeps in, but I also know that Creator is there…always.  l have my little one, my friends that love me, and my family…to while away the days with…

Creator will never let me down, never cancel on me, and I’m always high on his priority list…Creator sends me the lessons I need to be strong, warm, loving, and giving. He sends me the experiences and people who will reveal to me my sacredness. I am so very grateful to know this connection with my higher power…

Every experience brings me closer to what is sacred…debwe ❤️

The discipline of addiction

This week I have faced another great adventure…and I feel the most wonderful…freedom.

The thing about relationships is the more comfortable you get with isolation, the more difficult it is to open up. As someone who deals with a lifetime in the rumination of addiction, I find imbalance is a certainty. Too much about the other person, not enough energy invested in me and my own truth.

I continue to believe in love, and abundance. I continue to believe that I will find someone compatible with whom to while away the minutes. 

I have been learning about my particular addiction…that warm fuzzy feeling that comes with new love, this has been a protector for me. A distraction. Nearly six years now, have I been getting to know my protector. He who have loved me, protected me, and sheltered me since I could remember…

I know my mind now, I understand how it works, and I do my best to clear the triggers, keep myself safe, and acknowledge that one…my lover…my addiction.

This one forces me to cut all ties, anything that reminds me of the object of my affections…I clear my energy, and breathe…back into my life, in the moment.

I learned recently, during a conversation with my son…a genuine, truth-sharing circle…that the importance of being present, and enjoying the moment can be a life-saver.

Everything happens for a reason. 

I learned in the last little while that part of me still yearns for love, a little desperately, and with deep insecurity…when those pieces are not handled with the most delicate and gentle touch…trust is lost. Faith in your most intimate companion is lost. 

This time around…I lost a lot of my own respect for myself…I said things and didn’t follow through on, I let things slide, I lied to myself…and I allowed myself to believe that he, and his life was more important than my own little family. But I also learned that not only this last relationship was more important, but EVERYTHING has been more important than tht sacred little one who is traveling with me. 

It didn’t start out that way…except, I took my little for granted…and he’s hurting. In his soul. I have felt that pain. Of wanting to be close, of wanting to be important, and knowing that I’m not…it’s a deeply ingrained habit and way of being…though I also know that with the power of discipline we will find one another once again.

Soul wounds can be healed, and patterns changed…the great love and bonds of family…will bring connection. I know this is so. It HAS to be so…if I am to believe in myself, and if I am to have the deepest faith in me…I know the healing can happen. 

I am grateful for the teachings of being strong, resolved, and loving. This spiritual strength and awakening will see us through…my family WILL be whole. It is THE healthy relationship that I have been willing into creation. If that is the only relationship for me…besides the one with Gzhe manido, so be it. Passing on healthy, whole parenting teachings is more important to me than any other relationship out there…

I know my worth, I am better than to sit and take abuse of any kind…neglect, not spending time together, putting other things first…can be signs of emotionally abusive tendencies…now that I see these things I can make changes…good, positive changes. I say thank you to gzhe manido for sending that one to reveal these things to me…I am so very grateful for this…

I take these new awarenesses into the light with me, and look to building community, participating in my life, and being in the moment completely…to see that little spirit and help him heal, to be the strong warrior spirit I know is residing within…

I also know that I have the resolve within to earn the respect of my spirit…to teach people to treat me well…to be a warrior spirit myself…and endure this discipline of addiction…what a gift…to know that my time, and energy are so valuable…also very beautiful gifts that nourish when gifted freely to loved ones…so I learn to give of myself…to those demonstrating care and reciprocation…understanding of the value in a life…

I am so thankful for this beautiful life…and all of the people that cross my path…so many wonderful teachings…