Starblanket eBook available now!

Starblanket: A Mother’s Gift to Her Son available at Amazon and Kobo!

What happens when a Mother’s biggest worry is that her son will bear the burden and blame of a society who do not know how to Respect, or Honour Indigenous women?

“Starblanket -A Mother’s Gift to Her Son” – is a collection of stories about Spiritual Awakening, Motherhood and Healing.
When family bonds are grown from traumatic events a child-of-trauma is born. Starblanket follows the journey of an Indigenous woman facing herself as a child-of-trauma and seeking identity, self-respect, and self-love. A single-mother, she struggles to raise her son alone in one of the biggest cities in the world. Her small family faces ever-encroaching societal pressures of Capitalism, Materialism, and Conformity which contradict the Indigenous values she tries to instill.

“Starblanket” honours the Indigenous child and the family as ancient teachings of love and understanding are slowly reclaimed. As the Morningstar guides us from darkness into light, Starblanket guides readers to self awareness, one story at a time.
Amazon!
http://www.amazon.ca/Starblanket-Mothers-Gift-Her-Son-ebook/dp/B00RC2XHDQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1419859797&sr=1-1&keywords=starblanket

Print copies available at the Cedar Basket Gift Shop

Enough.

What do you want?

You keep heckling, but you’re not paying attention.

We only get one life. 

This one chance is IT. 

We get one shot at it. 

One shot to make that first impression.

One shot to show our best side.

One shot to show up and BE there.

We can NEVER get that moment back. Never. 

So…

What do you want? 

Show up.

Be there.

Bring it. Every second of every minute of every day. 

And you’ve had enough…

of the b&@sh*t. 

Enough of the lies, enough of the abuse, enough of the self-recriminating, self-defeatest, relentless b&@sh*t you’ve been telling yourself your entire life.

We get one shot to get it right. 

So pick yourself up. Dust yourself off…and get in the game.

You do not have to take any more of any one else’s b&@sh*t. All of the lies you’ve told yourself that you’re not good enough, not strong enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough…You do not have to sit by and let life pass you by. You’ve got this.

You have SO got this.

Because you ARE enough. You are enough for you. You are more than enough. Because the entire universe resides inside you. 

So…

What do you want? 

Be you. No one else can.

And go for it.

The wooden table

She sits in the hardwood chair. The backing digging into her ribcage as she peers down the table. 

Another patron busily writing, oblivious of the crowd around him. He looks up from his work to greet his friend. She smiles at him and they embrace quickly. She turns to say something to the cashier, and as they wait for their drinks, he busys himself playing with the little bones. His friend touches his elbow and together they float gracefully by, on their way to nowhere. 

She peers down the table again, one, two, three, four, five…she can see the chairs filled with as many patrons…but they reveal themselves only to her. Each of them lost in their own inner world…one sobs quietly into her demi cappu. The other worries obsessively about her bills and credit…mostly she misses the car that has just been repossessed. 

The next talks with his girlfriend on his cell phone, excitedly planning their upcoming date while his wife takes their daughter to her soccer game. 

Still another is lost in her ever encroaching dreams of creative endeavours. She looks out the big picture window, her eyes open but vacant as she builds vast empires in her mind…oblivious of the gentleman beside her quiently admiring her…

Here, we have a lovely young man…he’s just received a call from a company he interviewed for…he got the job, and he’s celebrating with a cup of steaming fair trade coffee, soon, he’ll be able to marry Julie, his college sweetheart. 

The young woman stops suddenly, peering into this vortex, she sees a young man, with deep, fluid, and powerful eyes staring into the time vortex they have opened…he smiles at her…she stares back at him, curious, and elated at the connection they made…she writes, creating him…and he writes, creating her…a beautiful exchange in the vaccuum of space-time-creativity. 

She smiles to herself as she sits beside her son, the vacant chairs staring back at her. 

A man has just sat down, enjoying his drink…earphones in, oblivious of the world created and collapsing as he sat…the writer sits and stretches wondering what kind of world she should create next…which voices call to her from the ether…whose stories wait to be heard and shared?

Purple pen

Sitting in a coffee shop in my neighbourhood. Having just bought some new pens so I could write my post. My phone charges on my kitchen table at home. I ait here, using my new pens to see the different and exciting new colours splash across the page. I find that I love the purple. 

It’s strange. I love it so much that I don’t want to use it too much. I might use it up too fast and then my favorite will be gone. See how I did that? I formed an attachment to my new pen – bought only minutes ago. Then I fabricate a future based on the notion of scarcity. And possibly a bit of obsessive compulsivity thrown in for good measure. 

I’ve been reflecting the past few days. Mostly on my tendencies. I have one such tendency to deny myself. It seems that from an early age I’ve learned and perfected an almost inhuman self-restraint. This may have initially been formed feom traumatic bonds – an unfortunate side effect of childhood trauma, from having my boundaries trampled at an early age. Moreover, I’ve also been learning to recognize these associations, and begin to break them. Super human self-restraint has become a good habit, it has kept me safe, bit it has also kept me closed. I find lately that I have erected an invisible barrier that tells others around me to keep their distance. “I’m not interested to connect with you at any level”

I’ve slowly been dismantling this barrier. It’s been quite a chore especially since it’s been my security blanket forever. But I breathe, and chip away at it. Trusting my spirit to keep me safe when needed, yet open enough to respond in a kind way, to be myself regardless of the situation, and continuebto shine joyfully out into the dark unknown. I’ve been hiding this light. Keeping my pain closeby. Filling every inch of my consciousness until I can no longer feel my joy…until I rely on those around me to determine how to feel, how to respond. How to react. My spirit, retreating further and futher inside with each new encounter. Each fresh pain.

I realized the other day, that there is nothing to fear. It was a bit like Neo realizing he is in the Matrix. It is, and it isn’t real. Everything in my reality is a fabrication, built upon another, and another, and another. Until, like the proverbial tower of cards, and each pf the towers fell. I can see it even now. A bunch of electrons, and protons, nuclei, little bits of energy pieces together positively charged, negatively charged, low vibrations, high vibrations, all of them humming quietly in the background. By the way. I finally got around to using the purple pen. I forced myself to put the pink pen down, the one I chose initially, but really…as in the Matrix, there is no pen…

A quiet Sunday in May

Today we witnessed that torrid romance…what a gales of emotions today on the landscape! Early morning rain in the frigid spring air. Swirling cold winds blasting the landscape, giving way to brilliant sunshine, then the ardent west kisses of hail raining down on dry sidewalks. Ah the beautiful and passionate story of Winter and Summer, so much in love those two…Biboon and Zeegwun…he just loves her so much, he can’t leave. 

Poetic isn’t it?  That’s about as much of the story that I know. Sometimes on evenings such as this, it almost makes the weather bearable. 

And evening such as what? I’m…cautiously optimistic. We checked off everything on our to do list. We have a nice clean home, fridge and cupboard stocked. Comfortable. Dry. 

I’ve noticed the last little while, this tendency to rely on external accountability. Rather laughing in the face of some of the boundaries, rules and limitations I’ve set for myself. I never did see myself as an authority on anything until recently. Lately my emotions rage out of control. Angry and frustrated one moment, then tears and grief the next. Waves and waves wash over me and all I can do is acknowledge each one as they pass through hurtling my life around as they go.

Hormonal, or spiritual, emotions have always done a number on me. Most days, I’m fascinated by the sensations. Lately, I tire of them. I’m tired of doing so much darned work to sort myself out. 

Tonight, I just relaxed. I wanted to just chill. So I did. I am happy to report that I’m learning to set some new rules for myself and I’m more diligent in ensuring the work gets done. 

I’ve kept so much inside because of fears, doubts, worries, and relying on the external accountabilities to come knocking on my door. Well. I’m tired of having those hanging over my head as well. Creator can only do so much with what we ask him to bring to us. We have to tend to the rest. I’m starting to realize this. It means recognizing how Creator brings forth our requests and knowing what to ask for in the first place…guidance and direction.

The rest, is giving so many thanks as to lose count. Creator would be bowled over with out gratitude. I wonder if it is possible to become so overwhelmed with abundance that all you can do is sob. Somehow that speaks to so much healing…so many gifts.

I’m learning to control my thoughts…it’s been a long road and I’ve always been lax with the discipline. Except I realize just how much more time I devote to things that truly matter. Change isn’t such a bad thing….as long as we have a goal in mind. It’s not a bad thing at all. 

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got in me tonight. I am grateful for writing when I want to sleep. For cleaning when I want to be watching a movie. I’m grateful for clean clothing, a roof over my head, a son who is helpful and adoring. I am so grateful tonight for the little things…and the great…a heart that can heal itself and an indomintable heart as vast as the universe. I can love the most cruel, because not to do so is cruelty. Goodnight sweet biboon, your zeegwun feels so loved…but everyone else caught in the middle of your romance is tired of wearing our winter jackets with our shorts…lol miigwetch for your passion and joy, it reminds me to do the same if I ever have the opportunity to do so…there are teachings everywhere, we just need to allow ourselves to witness them…

Thursday Thoughts 0006: Being

The steel-clad snake roaring in her home.

The blue-eyed one stands in a square, holding up the wall.

She watches and waits. 

Biding her time.

The warm stale air rushes past.

Blank eyes stare past her unseeing.

Unfeeling.

Like tiny milling ants on their way to nowhere, the drones surround the blue-eyed stranger…

She sees them…

Lonely,

wallowing,

wavering in the dim light.

They are endless in their pursuits.

Endlessly the drones moan on…

And the disembodied voice calls put the plays overhead…

An endless rotation, a journey that never ends. 

A motionless circle, cycling endlessly. 

Waiting and watching alternations in an endless dance…

The night comes alive with echoes, unspoken thoughts deep in the earth…

Deep underground,

In the deep…darkness called…

a subway.

Home…aka the returning one

This week has started with many blessings, with generosity, compassion, ceremony and sisterhood. I am feeling more grounded and centred. I am also very thankful for the last little while and the many new teachings I’ve encountered. 

I am also doing more work to control my thoughts, inviting discipline, and structure rather than fighting or rebelling against it. I am seeing the value in continuing to shift in the way I have chosen.

At the close of this day, I am thankful for conversation with a soul sister. I am thankful for ceremony, for our waters. For out winged ones. And for our many beautiful women. Our powerful connections to creation. 

In some ways I am home. I’m learning to accept me for me, learning to love myself, and receive that self-love. I have some homework to do over the next little while. I have been talking about moving back to my home communitu for a little while now…each passing moment I get more messages that this possibility is one that may become reality sooner than I imagined. With that, a whole host of other questions surfaced.

With my logical brain, I put many obstacles in the way and I come up with excuses not to do so. I’m unsure. And undecided. Which is ok. I don’t have to have all of the answers, but if I let these thoughts sit in my brain without mich resolve…or action. There they will stay and I will remain stuck.

I know on the outside I seem like I have it all together. Yet, I procrastinate, I resist doing the things I need to do…especially if it seems like a lot of work…and I end up NOT doing them at all. Leading me to carrying so much extra baggage around.

My inner home is cluttered with things I have yet to complete. I guess I like feeling the pressure of procrastination. My external home, my community lacks a few necessary elements in order for me to realize that possibility…in the immediate present, though with some care and discipline, I’m sure I could manage to create that future. 

Right in this moment, I find a necessary grounding. I cannot invoke, imagine or send any intentions whatsoever. I lack the necessary faith to do so…and so, I sit in the internal swill and I abide.

I’m tired of these many things hanging over my head…so, as overwhelming as it seems, I want to be kind to myself, I want to be more conpassionate. In generosity, and out of the greatest kindness to myself, I offer the energy I need to create an exit plan. How will I get myself out from under all of these hangers on?

It can be done. One moment at a time. I can be accountable to myself, in my own home. I lead by example, and commit to clearing my inner home…I want to be free of these burdens. Only I can do so. Only I can free myself, and the way to do so is to do the work. Put in the time…and maybe I can find a little fun in it also. I don’t want to wait for external accountability. I know it’s coming, because I’ve made it so…but that was my past self, that had never changed until now…

I see the importance of wading through and doing the work necessary…and maybe I don’t have to do the work all by myself. Misery loves company…haha. Jist kidding. I commit to cleaning these overwhelming and monumental tasks because I love myself too much to continue to carry them unfinished. 

I want to be proud of myself for sticking to something…for holding myself accountable…for cleaning my home. It shows that I have self-respect. I know I can do this…with kindness and love:) That’s what’s important to know as this day winds down…

Gentleness

Be here now…

A song by Ray Lamontagne moved through my mind today…a song that is so beautiful in it’s simplicity. He speaks to the child inside, with such gentleness and sweetness…be here now…here now…

Here, is a place I’ve tried desperately NOT to be. Finally, I relented. I’ve done my best to avoid being here. According to my brain…being here…now, is a place full of pain, judgement, and suffering. It is a place built on my fears, insecurities, and doubts. A place I always feel overwhelmed in because of its raw ‘reality’ in that place, I cannot avoid, I cannot ‘unsee’ what is real and right in front of me. I need to be here now.

I need to be able to see what is real, and right in front of me. I’m finally in a place where I can stand in the ‘real’ness and still be ok. I can see people for who they are, and help them to grow. 

It has taken me so long to get to this place…but I’m finally here. And I’ve decided that I want to be gentle to this me. She’s come through so much lately. So much grief, and cruelty…she just needs warmth, care, and protection…this growth is not without its share of pain…and the realization that I loved my pain, needed it, in fact…my pain has become such an integral part of me that I could scarcely think of life beyond my pain…but I’m so tired of this burden…I needed to be gentle with myself…and learn to let it go. 

Even though I don’t know how to be gentle with myself, I shall trust myself moving forward…I have suffered abuse on so many fronts. I thought it was because of the people in my life, or the situations I’d found myself in…but upon deeper inspection, I found me…accepting and abusing myself. 

I’ve made a decision. And…for awhile I thought it was out of frustration, fear or defeat. It felt like I was giving up. In a way, I have let go of something that has been such a big part of me…but it is such a relief to put it down. I’ve been chatting with some friends about this next stage of my life, and I noticed an interesting trend in the feedback…much of what was being said wasn’t for my benefit…I realized that sometimes we need something to hold onto…as people it is easier to believe an ideal…in hope…because without it, we cast about…we are stuck with an unknown…people are much less able to deal with the void of unknown that takes the place of hope…

I’m in a place where I can be here…now. I don’t know what the future holds. I can’t begin to guess. It’s best for me to stay here, and let the rest go. Too often, I’ve been in the past…or future. But here…we are eternal. We are everywhere. 

I know that I’m tired of this pain, I’m tired of hope. I’m just plain tired. So, I shift. 

I relent. 

I decide that I am worth the choice to get on with the business of living my life. I’m tired of being what people want or need me to be, what I think I should be, in their presence. I know who I am. Today, I managed to list many of the things I love about myself. It was difficult to start, but after a few minutes, I started to be able to see these things…

This is my practice of gentleness. Being gentle to me…for me. I’m just plain tired of this harsh life. I’m tired of being hard on me…there is much work ahead though I understand that I can choose how I start each day…how I move through that day, what to focus on, how to let my loved ones know I care about them, and that I can choose how to wind down and close my day. 

On this day of celebrating our Creators, I find myself grateful for the many teachings that my lineage has wrought. I can see life and what is ‘real’ and it is so beautiful in the immenseness. I have been myself with everyone I came across today, and I understand myself to be a warm, caring, and considerate human being. 

I know myself, and as I move forward I will practice gentleness with love, patience, and forgiveness. I deserve at least that much….perhaps in time there will be more teachings to incorporate but for now…gentleness is a welcome energy…

Thursday thoughts 0005: Virtue

What is it to be virtuous? 

In these times of sex sells and shades of grey

Presidential scandal, and injustice…

The virtuous are lost in the shuffle

When pre-teens practice safer sex and test the condom flavours…

Is virtue a lost art? 

An achaic belief, best belonging in dusty fairy tales 

and folklore, and myth?

Where are the ones that seek such a thing?

Are there any left to practice such a legendary feat? 

Are there any left who recognize it when they have it in their grasp? 

The virtuous lay forgotten,  myth such that was written in days of yore,

Surrounded by unicorns, and dragons, hidden by the Loch, with mermaids for friends…

What is virtue…

Is it a myth, is it at all true?