A good hard look


Emotional rollercoasters sometimes whip us off into a vertical climb and equally daring fall as fast as we can blink. I’ve confronted a lifetime of different and “wrong” choices. Ideas that people only like me as long as I contribute. People only like me because of my work and still even, I have nothing to offer anyone, especially a partner if I cannot even provide. I have been confronting a humiliating notion that people must think me the most stuck up b€|*€# for not caring to stay in touch.
Yes dearest readers, I am enduring the most vile and hurtful thoughts I can throw at myself. We all do it. Much of the time we don’t even know it. I sat with myself today and just let the pain out. I can withstand a lot of s&&t but today, I needed release. A tidal wave of regret, sadness, lost loves, second chances, wistfulness, rage, hurt, pain, and confusion tumbled forward.
I sat with a kind woman the other day whose gentle reminders helped me to remember who I am.
Now, if only I knew my place, my path moving forward. I learned that often I’m not certain to be free with offering of myself, my time, my energy, my love. I have deep and long held beliefs about a community entity I know nothing about. If i’ve ever given the impression that I’m better than, or superior to…my humblest apologies. If I have said nothing when you see me out and about, it isn’t because I didn’t care…I do, I am listening…
deeply…for truth.
Yes, I am intense. I will not apologize for being so.
I will not apologize for thinking too deeply or over-analyzing the situation because it is just who I am. I see into you.
I see through you. I know you, and I love you with every fibre of my being.
I have been looking into the mirror of my life and repeating over and over the love and acceptance I so desparately want…whispered and nearly received. Nearly believed.
It doesn’t come from having an amazing job. It doesn’t come from being supermom. It doesn’t come from being the knowledgable teacher, it doesn’t come from out there.
It is already inside. It is already you, exactly as you are…whether you are without, in the lowest low, on the brink.
Greatest love is in you. All you need to do is let it shine. So, very, bright.
Remove all that prevents you from shining…beautiful jewel.
If I keep telling myself, eventualy i will live into it.
Crawl, claw, hack your way out of the past. Crawl out of the old skin and give yourself the permission to be who you truly are…let yourself let it go.
Be not afraid. Dearest, be not afraid love.
Shine.

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